Marriage in Rwanda

This afternoon, I’m going to the church wedding of the NAR Director, Dr. Joseph. It is the last of three ceremonies. The first is the “negotiation” where the groom’s family pays something to the bride’s family (at least I think it goes this way, since he is taking away a source of free labor). Then there is the civil ceremony, which I attended Thursday. This is where the government performs its rituals. It was very interesting. A type of magistrate describes all the laws and state expectations regarding married couples.

Then after an hour or so of that, each bride and groom, one at a time, raises his or her right hand and holds the Rwandan flag with the left and recites the legal promise. Two of the four couples read their vows in English and were mystified at the syntax (from a wild translation).

In the second half of the ceremony, the magistrate asks each member of the couple how many children they would like to have. In a few of the couples on Thursday, the bride and groom mentioned different numbers. The magistrate tells them that they need to decide on a number together and agree on it. One of the brides named Sandra stated that she wanted 10 children. This became a running joke with the magistrate. He lectured the couples on the rights of children, particularly the right to a college education. Loosely translated from a gentleman sitting near me, the magistrate said, “It is their right if they want to go. And if you can’t afford to send them, then you must explain to them why you cannot provide this basic right. But it is their right.”

Afterward, we went to a restaurant and had a wonderful meal of African food: salads, rice, fish, grilled meats, and fresh fruit. I sat with one of Dr. Joseph’s friends, Dan , and an American (Quaker) doctor who worked with another of Joseph’s ngos and his daughter, a radio journalist. I asked Dan about when the couple can call themselves married, and it all depends on who you ask. The family and tribal chiefs are happy after the first ceremony; the state is happy after the second, the church after the third. But after the second, which is about 70% married, he said, most people are content.

We had a really interesting talk that evening on the prospect of peace, of the concept of hope, revenge, retaliation, ex pats, childbirth in Rwanda, NGOs, life expectancy, and other subjects, too.

More later on the church ceremony...